Along Interstate 287, there is a bridge named, “Tapanzee Bridge” connecting Tarrytown and Nyack, New York. As you enter the bridge, and possibly every major bridge in the country, there is a sign on the side of the road that says “A Life Is Worth Living” with a number to a Suicide Prevention Hotline. Below is a feasible conversation between a caller and a Suicide Prevention Hotline operator.
Operator: “Good afternoon, you have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. This is Cindy speaking. Can you please hold? Thank you.”
Caller: “…”
Operator: “Thank you for calling. How may I assist you today?”
Caller: “Hello Cindy. Thank you for taking my call. I haven’t gotten a chance to write a letter so I would like to give you my reason for the decision to come to this bridge. It started the day I was born. My parents were avid abusers of methamphetamines, junkies with a lust for euphoria. Although, I was lucky to survive my birth, I wouldn’t go on without them naming me Bartholomew Umberto Theodore Thomas, landing me the initials, “BUTT.” Due to deficiencies at birth I never grew past five feet. This gave my parents the idea to sign me up for the Toddler Horse Jockeys. In the middle of summer- jockey-camp I suffered a slight fracture in my vertebrae causing me to lose any control of my legs. I wasn’t paralyzed. I was left with uncontrollable legs which caused me to walk in a marching motion until my later adolescence. For ten straight years I was nicknamed “Colonel Butt.” I have also lived my life with an allergy to chocolate, alcoholic beverages, meat, vegetables, fruits, rain, ocean water, potato chips and cheese. My eyebrows never grew in. I have a size 15 foot and a size 8 foot. I had red hair until I started balding at the age of 14. I need the thickest glasses to at least see blurry. My back-hair grows faster than I salivate. I have really big lips, and they’re always chapped. When my nose isn’t running, it’s bleeding. I get sunburns in the winter time. I have a 4 hour commute to work in traffic, where I work in a toll booth. My car doesn’t have heat, air-conditioning, cup holders, radio, power steering, or anti-lock breaks. I have never swum in a pool because of a shark phobia. I lost hearing in my right ear. I have short fingers and hairy knuckles. I have never been on an upside-down rollercoaster because of my height. I’ve never been invited to a party. I shower in my underwear. All of my wisdom teeth are impacted. I have an enlarged prostate and I broke both of my legs skiing for the first time last weekend.”
Operator: “You broke both of your legs? How did you get to the bridge?”
Caller: “My wife dropped me off.”
Monday, February 15, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
"Take a hike."
There are millions of people in this world and many of them you don’t even want to talk to. When grounded in a conversation with someone of that sort you just want them to exit your presence. There are developed phrases for this situation, bolstering my opinion that some people are terribly annoying, and have been for decades, centuries, or undoubtedly since the existence of man.
Upon graduation of college, folks in their early twenties immediately feel the need to find out what everyone else is doing, who they’ve known before their development of life. These people are currently working for respectable, foot-in-the-door corporations with or for their parents, or they’re DJing at the newly renovated local club which is under “New Management.” Stumbling into a local bar, you are less than excited to see who you walk into, but you’re open to having an adequate time. The first conversation you engage in is immediately stricken with the question, “What do you do now?” This will enable the questionnaire to grasp an understanding of your current position in this world. He or she now has the ability to take it up a notch. It is possible at this time for them insert a minor lie or exaggeration. Some tend to throw in goals and speak of them as if they were already accomplished. After the “one up” has been achieved there may be another question. This question isn’t meant to bring you below them, but it is their recollection of what you USED to do or maybe still do. This questions starts with, “So are you still…” It can extend to “So are you still into the car thing.” Or, “So are you still into the art thing.” You know that thing that you did, as if you only did it because you were in high school and didn’t know any better. You may respond with, “Of course I’m still into the art thing.” “Of course I still work on cars, I love them.” But is it lucrative? They want to know what it is you do to make money and if they are in a better position. With that being said we can consider these people annoying. And, with the help of our ancestors, we have phrases we are itching to use. “Take a hike.”
When speaking with or after speaking with the likes of the people previously mentioned, you want them to literally take a hike. Put on some boots and wander off into the forest. If you happened to have too many drinks at this point you may settle with “Get lost.” You do not care where they go as long as they are lost. This phrase is also very commonly used by females during the human mating process in step one, talking to the potential mate.
Below is a list of Honorable Mention phrases for ridding an annoying person:
Beat it!
Scram!
Make like a banana and split!
Go away.
Talk to the hand cause’ the man don’t understand.
Are you still here?
Oh, I’m sorry. Did you say something?
I wish to be left alone.
I’m going to punch you in the face if you don’t leave.
Security!
GET OFF MY PLANE- Harrison Ford
Upon graduation of college, folks in their early twenties immediately feel the need to find out what everyone else is doing, who they’ve known before their development of life. These people are currently working for respectable, foot-in-the-door corporations with or for their parents, or they’re DJing at the newly renovated local club which is under “New Management.” Stumbling into a local bar, you are less than excited to see who you walk into, but you’re open to having an adequate time. The first conversation you engage in is immediately stricken with the question, “What do you do now?” This will enable the questionnaire to grasp an understanding of your current position in this world. He or she now has the ability to take it up a notch. It is possible at this time for them insert a minor lie or exaggeration. Some tend to throw in goals and speak of them as if they were already accomplished. After the “one up” has been achieved there may be another question. This question isn’t meant to bring you below them, but it is their recollection of what you USED to do or maybe still do. This questions starts with, “So are you still…” It can extend to “So are you still into the car thing.” Or, “So are you still into the art thing.” You know that thing that you did, as if you only did it because you were in high school and didn’t know any better. You may respond with, “Of course I’m still into the art thing.” “Of course I still work on cars, I love them.” But is it lucrative? They want to know what it is you do to make money and if they are in a better position. With that being said we can consider these people annoying. And, with the help of our ancestors, we have phrases we are itching to use. “Take a hike.”
When speaking with or after speaking with the likes of the people previously mentioned, you want them to literally take a hike. Put on some boots and wander off into the forest. If you happened to have too many drinks at this point you may settle with “Get lost.” You do not care where they go as long as they are lost. This phrase is also very commonly used by females during the human mating process in step one, talking to the potential mate.
Below is a list of Honorable Mention phrases for ridding an annoying person:
Beat it!
Scram!
Make like a banana and split!
Go away.
Talk to the hand cause’ the man don’t understand.
Are you still here?
Oh, I’m sorry. Did you say something?
I wish to be left alone.
I’m going to punch you in the face if you don’t leave.
Security!
GET OFF MY PLANE- Harrison Ford
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
The MOMA Man: Face Punch
I am twenty four years old. And within these twenty four years I would have never predicted that the one thing I felt I needed to do to fulfill the ultimate satisfaction in my life was to punch a man in the face at the Museum Of Modern Art. The MOMA attracts some of the better looking females in New York City, whether they are residents of this city or visiting from various states or countries. Most of these women are accompanied by a highly deserving potential face punching victim.
Humans have walked the earth between one hundred to two hundred and fifty thousand years, and since year one, I am fully confident humans have been punching each other in the face. To punch someone in the face, outside of sport, you must obtain a fiery hatred towards the percipient that irks you to want to damage the state of their presence. By doing so, you may have the power to affect all five of their senses. Eyes, nose, mouth, ears, all are unfortunate targets.
If there were face punching idols, I would have to say mine would be Indiana Jones. The man carries a gun and a whip, almost everywhere he goes, and yet he still utilizes his fists more than either of those weapons. Indiana Jones doesn’t just hit a man in the face. He hits them so hard the next man already knows how loud he will be hit. Indiana Jones has also helped us determine the spelling of a face punch. “Psshh!” There’s the initial smack that creates the P sound. It’s a popping smack, but it’s short enough to only pronounce a “P”. The “sshh” is from the follow through. It can be created by leather-like skin, hairy knuckles, or a punchee’s five o’clock shadow.
The face punch is a highly intimate experience for both parties involved. It may even determine the outcome of a fight. Who suffered the juiciest punch? There’s never the question, “Who has a broken hand?” A cast very well may be the trophy. A black eye can entice the question of your wrong doing to deserve the welt or it can give an understanding of a well balanced match if it is accompanied by a hand in a cast. You may also counter the, “What the hell happened to you?!” with, “You should see the other guy.”
Why hit a man at the MOMA? It’s a natural feeling. When walking through a museum there are multiple chances for any man to feel aggression or jealousy towards another man. Even if a man is whole heartedly enjoying a specific piece, you do not buy it. He is a liar, you think. He is one pretentious, non art loving, punchable liar. He has no understanding of the meaning of the piece and what his perspective of it is completely comical. He has become a target. The man next to him is angered by this man’s need to stand in front of him while he’s listening to his portable tour guide. The portable tour guide man is now a target. The piece will sit in the museum for years and years. He will have countless hours to examine the piece any other time of his life. His anger has made you want to punch him in the face. Either of these men may also have some kind of relationship with a highly attractive female standing beside them. Thus, sparking some type of jealousy that men with some of the highest potential of a face punch can land a seven to a ten leveled woman.
Below is a list of Honorable Mention face-punching-targets.
The Collage Frat Boy, No Longer In College
The Arrogant Metro-Sexual
Your Girlfriend’s Ex-Boyfriend
Your Ex-Girlfriend’s Boyfriend
The Guy You Still Hate From Grade School Even Though You Haven’t Seen Him Since
The Volunteer Fire Fighter Who Thinks He Has the Power of a Police Officer
The Drunkest Guy at A Bar (see also; The Volunteer Fire Fighter Who Thinks He Has the Power of a Police Officer)
The Bartender Who Hates You for No Reason
The Reckless Driver behind the Wheel of an Escalade
Anyone behind the Wheel of a Hummer
Reality TV Show Guy
The Optimum Online Commercial Guy
The UPS Commercial Guy
Joe Buck Announcer for Fox Sports
Jafar from Aladdin
Affliction, Ed Hardy or Tapout Shirt Guy
The Politically Far Left or Far Right Guy
The Crazy Lady from the Movie Misery
Humans have walked the earth between one hundred to two hundred and fifty thousand years, and since year one, I am fully confident humans have been punching each other in the face. To punch someone in the face, outside of sport, you must obtain a fiery hatred towards the percipient that irks you to want to damage the state of their presence. By doing so, you may have the power to affect all five of their senses. Eyes, nose, mouth, ears, all are unfortunate targets.
If there were face punching idols, I would have to say mine would be Indiana Jones. The man carries a gun and a whip, almost everywhere he goes, and yet he still utilizes his fists more than either of those weapons. Indiana Jones doesn’t just hit a man in the face. He hits them so hard the next man already knows how loud he will be hit. Indiana Jones has also helped us determine the spelling of a face punch. “Psshh!” There’s the initial smack that creates the P sound. It’s a popping smack, but it’s short enough to only pronounce a “P”. The “sshh” is from the follow through. It can be created by leather-like skin, hairy knuckles, or a punchee’s five o’clock shadow.
The face punch is a highly intimate experience for both parties involved. It may even determine the outcome of a fight. Who suffered the juiciest punch? There’s never the question, “Who has a broken hand?” A cast very well may be the trophy. A black eye can entice the question of your wrong doing to deserve the welt or it can give an understanding of a well balanced match if it is accompanied by a hand in a cast. You may also counter the, “What the hell happened to you?!” with, “You should see the other guy.”
Why hit a man at the MOMA? It’s a natural feeling. When walking through a museum there are multiple chances for any man to feel aggression or jealousy towards another man. Even if a man is whole heartedly enjoying a specific piece, you do not buy it. He is a liar, you think. He is one pretentious, non art loving, punchable liar. He has no understanding of the meaning of the piece and what his perspective of it is completely comical. He has become a target. The man next to him is angered by this man’s need to stand in front of him while he’s listening to his portable tour guide. The portable tour guide man is now a target. The piece will sit in the museum for years and years. He will have countless hours to examine the piece any other time of his life. His anger has made you want to punch him in the face. Either of these men may also have some kind of relationship with a highly attractive female standing beside them. Thus, sparking some type of jealousy that men with some of the highest potential of a face punch can land a seven to a ten leveled woman.
Below is a list of Honorable Mention face-punching-targets.
The Collage Frat Boy, No Longer In College
The Arrogant Metro-Sexual
Your Girlfriend’s Ex-Boyfriend
Your Ex-Girlfriend’s Boyfriend
The Guy You Still Hate From Grade School Even Though You Haven’t Seen Him Since
The Volunteer Fire Fighter Who Thinks He Has the Power of a Police Officer
The Drunkest Guy at A Bar (see also; The Volunteer Fire Fighter Who Thinks He Has the Power of a Police Officer)
The Bartender Who Hates You for No Reason
The Reckless Driver behind the Wheel of an Escalade
Anyone behind the Wheel of a Hummer
Reality TV Show Guy
The Optimum Online Commercial Guy
The UPS Commercial Guy
Joe Buck Announcer for Fox Sports
Jafar from Aladdin
Affliction, Ed Hardy or Tapout Shirt Guy
The Politically Far Left or Far Right Guy
The Crazy Lady from the Movie Misery
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